So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize