I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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