someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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