Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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