i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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