Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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