I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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