I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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