i would punch a child for taco bell
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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