If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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