Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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