After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You dont lie about slip and slides
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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