Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
