So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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