All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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