I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
