i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
