There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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