Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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