they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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