Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
