If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
