Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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