and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
