I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
