I faked an abortion last night.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my liver is dry heaving
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
