i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
