I swear she didn't look like that last week.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
