So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
