did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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