Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
