the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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