He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
