Plan B is the new Plan A
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
