"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
