Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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