I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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