if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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