Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
