This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
