It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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