i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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