I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
