oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
