The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
