Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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