I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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