I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
