It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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