No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
