Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
