Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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