hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
