I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
it glows. i had to have it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
