Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
