Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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