Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize