He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Randomize
