Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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